Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed and have no good reason for all the emotions I'm feeling...perhaps it's hormones; they're easy to blame, let's go with that. I'm sure that there is much more to all of these feelings than simply classes, some sort of transference of emotion from the aspects of my life I don't understand to the parts that I do. All I know is that they're there...I'm not in a state of mind where I can really pick them apart and analyze where they're coming from or what they are right now...though I have a few theories.

Today, I think I know what's bothering me. I cannot even begin to produce the background necessary to fully explain why all this is significant, but it is, it's all in my head and it needs to escape one way or another so if this post deteriorates into incomprehensible mumbo-jumbo verbal diarrhea I apologize in advance. First of all, I'm having car crash flashbacks...not literal flashbacks, but the same fears are there. For those of you who don't know, I had problems with short term memory loss and trouble focusing, among other things. Yesterday was "day one" of classes and I kept getting distracted by the feeling that I wasn't retaining information. It scared me. I didn't feel like myself and I don't know how much of it is real and how much of it is in my head, but the fear of repeating a semester like the last one is interfering with my ability to think about the situation calmly and rationally.

All of that certainly affects my reactions and emotions, but there is still so much else happening, today in particular. While yesterday was my first day of classes, today is the day that Joseph officially enlists in the Israeli Army...today is the day I have a real reason to be worried (not that I'd been worried before now *cough cough*). There's a part of me that wishes it wasn't affecting me this much, but there's also the realization that if it didn't I would have completely lost my sense of self. I recognize that he made an extremely difficult decision and whether or not I agree with his actions I can also respect that.

My life right now is playing out in extremes. It's hard to reconcile overwhelming joy with fear, anxiety, worry, and in a sense, loss. Sometimes I wonder how it is possible to feel so much at the same time, and I certainly don't know what to do with those pieces except to try to put them together in writing...it's a puzzle that may never be completed, but at least I still have perspective. I still have the picture on the box as I try to fit the pieces together.