Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed and have no good reason for all the emotions I'm feeling...perhaps it's hormones; they're easy to blame, let's go with that. I'm sure that there is much more to all of these feelings than simply classes, some sort of transference of emotion from the aspects of my life I don't understand to the parts that I do. All I know is that they're there...I'm not in a state of mind where I can really pick them apart and analyze where they're coming from or what they are right now...though I have a few theories.

Today, I think I know what's bothering me. I cannot even begin to produce the background necessary to fully explain why all this is significant, but it is, it's all in my head and it needs to escape one way or another so if this post deteriorates into incomprehensible mumbo-jumbo verbal diarrhea I apologize in advance. First of all, I'm having car crash flashbacks...not literal flashbacks, but the same fears are there. For those of you who don't know, I had problems with short term memory loss and trouble focusing, among other things. Yesterday was "day one" of classes and I kept getting distracted by the feeling that I wasn't retaining information. It scared me. I didn't feel like myself and I don't know how much of it is real and how much of it is in my head, but the fear of repeating a semester like the last one is interfering with my ability to think about the situation calmly and rationally.

All of that certainly affects my reactions and emotions, but there is still so much else happening, today in particular. While yesterday was my first day of classes, today is the day that Joseph officially enlists in the Israeli Army...today is the day I have a real reason to be worried (not that I'd been worried before now *cough cough*). There's a part of me that wishes it wasn't affecting me this much, but there's also the realization that if it didn't I would have completely lost my sense of self. I recognize that he made an extremely difficult decision and whether or not I agree with his actions I can also respect that.

My life right now is playing out in extremes. It's hard to reconcile overwhelming joy with fear, anxiety, worry, and in a sense, loss. Sometimes I wonder how it is possible to feel so much at the same time, and I certainly don't know what to do with those pieces except to try to put them together in writing...it's a puzzle that may never be completed, but at least I still have perspective. I still have the picture on the box as I try to fit the pieces together.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Change...It's A Wonderful And Terrible Thing

So much has happened since I last blogged...the main reason I haven't done so, there just hasn't been the time. Soooo, here's a summary of what has been going on in my world! I did, in fact, finish packing and am settled into my new "home". The night I finished packing my beautiful godson, Sebastian, was born. Unfortunately, I had to move in the next morning and didn't have a chance to see him before I left...well, I did get to see pictures before I left, but it isn't quite the same. Once (mostly) settled in, I quickly began eight-hour-a-day marching band rehearsals (and survived), and today is the first day of classes.

There are so many things that have happened in between all of this that I cannot even begin to describe it all. There are so many emotions, so many times I have wished I could read people's minds, and plenty I wish I could change (though if given the opportunity I still wouldn't). Life is confusing, change is exciting and yet terrifying, and there are so many thoughts chasing each other around my head it's a wonder I can still function sometimes. But here I am, functioning and tackling this crazy life one day at a time...and realizing that the crazy isn't all bad. Everything that has happened has taught me something, and some wonderful things have come out of the most difficult times.

Just so you all know...I am back, I am writing, and I'm full of some kind of crazy-nervous-excited-terrified-insane energy. Expect more from me soon! I'm sure I will have plenty to talk about...

Friday, August 19, 2011

One More Cup Of Tea

I hate packing...I always have, I probably always will. Most of my packing is done already and I still hate it. I had the foresight to pack what I could at the beginning of the summer, so now all I have are the items I use daily...and clothing. Should be easy, right? No. No, it isn't, it's a packing nightmare! Also, I still need to fit all those previously packed boxes into the trunk of my SUV. And, even if I forget about how much I hate packing, I get to think about carrying everything up three stories to my room. Yes, I am complaining (I will admit it). That, unfortunately, doesn't change the fact that I have zero motivation to do anything packing related today.

There is a long list of things I wish I was doing today that keeps stubbornly scrolling through my brain. Guess what? Packing isn't one of them! Neither is moving. I cannot even express how relieved I will be when everything is packed, moved, and unpacked. I don't particularly enjoy the unpacking either, but I think I can handle it. It's frightening to think that all of this needs to be done by early tomorrow afternoon. By about four o'clock to be precise. Oh, woe is me (now I am being dramatic)!

I suppose it's time to just buckle down and start packing, right after I eat a big spoonful of Nutella (I am human, I have weaknesses) and chug a glass of milk. After packing, if it doesn't take all darn day, maybe I'll have a shot at some "me time" before I take the plunge and start a new year! In the meantime I will have to plan my "last supper" before it's back to cafeteria food (where I can eat frozen Chinese food and crappy chicken to my heart's content and beyond)! Just one more cup of tea and I'm ready to go...

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Hello And Goodbye

My life has been a landslide this summer, but summer's almost up and I'm facing a new year and a whole slew of hellos and goodbyes...more goodbyes than I think I'm prepared to handle. I'm facing a lot of personal ghosts but also some amazing prospects for the future. While a part of me wishes that this summer could last forever and I could forget about leaving and classes and figuring life out all over again, logically, I know that everything will work out (one way or another). Yes, there are things I am looking forward to, but in order to reach those I need to let go and plunge myself into a year that, quite honestly, scares the bejesus out of me!

I'm in a much better place than I was before. I've been forcing myself to let go (or at least put some things on the back burner), and it's helping me find a bit of clarity. I know it's going to be a stressful year; I know I'm going to be worried about a thousand things...but there's no point dwelling on the ones I can't change. Yes, they will always be there in the back of my mind, and yes, once in a while they're still going to get to me but I can't change a darned thing! *sigh*

On a more positive note, I only have a few more weeks before I'll be back in the classroom! I'm soooo close...and still incredibly impatient. Even more impatient to have my own classroom, but that's a whole different ballgame. What matters is that I will BE IN A CLASSROOM!!! Part of me is still terrified, but I'm oh-so-excited at the same time. I keep wondering who my cooperating teacher will be. What class will I be teaching? What school will I be teaching in? How old will my students be? I love that I'm getting another field placement this semester, and I'm full of that ready-to-go-out-and-change-the-world attitude! Maybe if I focus on that I can forget about all the other stuff that's bouncing around my brain...more on that another night.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

Note To Self

I think I've finally found the solution to all my problems...stop looking for a solution. That isn't to say I don't have a lot to do and there won't be a lot on my mind, but I need to stop looking for answers where there are none. I need to be patient, give things time, and understand that sometimes we all have problems that won't just go away, that can't just be solved. That doesn't mean they won't go away eventually but it takes time...time, effort, and dedication. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes we all need a good cry, and sometimes we have to accept that we may never have the answers.

This isn't some copout, stop-caring-about-life solution...it's about accepting the truth. There are some things that we can change and some we can't. We can change our lives, we have the power within ourselves to do incredible things, but we can't change other people unless they are willing to accept change. We can show them, teach them, lead them down one path or another, we can give them opportunities, we can support them, but we cannot change them. I suppose that means I have a life of showing, teaching, leading, and supporting ahead of me.

Sometimes the right answers hardly seem like answers at all. They're hard to live with, hard to wrap your mind around, and hardest to accept. The right answers are neither logical nor emotional but a balance of the two...logical results with emotional acceptance (or resignation). I have accepted that what is right is not always easy but that I know, deep down, that I wouldn't have it any other way. I know this sounds obscure, but I needed to get it down in writing. I need to know I can come back to these thoughts and remind myself "why" when things get tough.