Sunday, June 12, 2011

New Beginnings

Sometimes we get so caught up in dreaming, that we forget what it is we really want. Our lives change and we assume that our dreams and our passions stay the same when, in fact, they are ever-changing. Don't believe me? There was a time in my life when I was confident I was going to be a chin doctor...not just any doctor, a chin doctor. That might have been the dream of a toddler, but not of the 21-year-old college student. I'm not saying that we don't have things we will always be passionate about, just that there are things we won't be.

Sometimes I wonder if my dreams are mine or the dreams of someone else. People change me. They influence me, my decisions, maybe even the way I think and the way I want to live my life. And sometimes I look back and I'm not sure why I'm doing what I'm doing and how exactly I got where I am. There are no logical explanations. I'm at a crossroads in my life where everything just is and there's no telling where it will take me.

Logically, I know that this is when I'm supposed to live life to its fullest, to dream big and travel far. The insecurity of "not knowing" is when you have the greatest potential for exploration, and it is what we do with insecurity that separates the cowards from the courageous. I have two options: sit at home and wait for life to happen to me or take life, run with it, and see where I end up. I choose running...and NO regrets!

Emotionally...(well, you knew it was coming) I wasn't sure I was ready to let the free-spirited, restless adventurer loose again. As much as I feel like I'm ready for a fresh start I cling to the past, and every time I think I've let go I realize it just keeps creeping up on me. So here it is...I'm human. I'm laying it all on the table and starting over.

1. I was in love and I got hurt, I'm still hurting, and I'm gonna keep hurting for a while. But this time...I'm going to be honest with myself, I'm not going to wait to be happy until it all "goes away", and I'm not going to let it stop me from being open to love and friendships along the way. I understand that only time can heal those wounds, time and my relationships with family and friends. I'm hurting but I'm still strong...and I'm allowed moments of weakness. I'm allowed to wallow when I need to as long as I get back up again.

2. I was in a car accident. I busted my face and my lip, had whiplash, dental surgery, my own personal pharmacy, bumps and bruises, felt like I'd been run over by a bulldozer, and had a concussion with short-term memory loss and the inability to concentrate for more than about ten minutes at a time. It made my semester a living hell, studying a nightmare, and finishing out the semester nearly impossible. I did it. I'm not afraid to get into a car and I finally practiced driving and got my license. Did I think about it? Yes. Will it stop me from living my life? No.

3. I'm not sure what to do with my life and sometimes that makes me feel like a failure. I'm not always the person I'd like to be, and I'm not always the person people expect me to be. I feel trapped. I want to be free, see the world, explore. Unfortunately, I am two personality extremes...the five-year planner and the free spirit. These two have been trying to reconcile for years and it's an ongoing battle. So far, the five-year planner is life doesn't fit into boxes, there's too much life and not enough boxes!